Relationships

So I’m the hopeless romantic type who thinks she wants a cutesy relationship.  Thing is, I’ve never been in a relationship, so I have no idea really what I’m asking for.  Romantic movies and social media posts make everything seem so wonderful and like #goals, but is a relationship what I really want? Or is it just the idea of it that is so intriguing?

Being really honest, I’m 20 years old, but I’ve yet to have my first kiss.  In fact, I’ve only been on one date.  It was awkward and all, but considering it was not only a first date, but my first first date, I guess it went well.  But it wasn’t right.

I don’t think my lack of a love life is fully for not trying.  I mean, I’ve tried with other people before.  Never asked someone out, but hinted strongly at my feelings.  Perhaps therein lies the problem.  No guts, no glory as the saying goes.  Moreover, my hints may not be as obvious as I believe or conversely, maybe too obvious (I’ve been told in the past my actions were equivalent to a flashing neon sign saying “I like you”).  So perhaps I’m just not the type people want to ask on a date.

Regardless of why I’m a current failure at the whole romantic relationship thing, I have to wonder if it’s what I really want.  And if it is what I really want, who do I want to be in a relationship with?  When I tried to date, like really tried – dating app and all, and I connected with someone, I was happy, sure, but filled with doubt at the same time.  This guy is saying really nice things and telling me how pretty I am, but I can’t believe he’d really think that.

“It must be the picture angles” I’d think.  And the fact that I must be more interesting over text.  I wasn’t sure if it’s what I wanted and when we set up a time to meet I became more and more unsure.  We never met though.  He never responded to my text.  I guess that was that.  Looking back I feel I should’ve tried harder but at the time I wasn’t sure if it was what I wanted so I didn’t have the drive to see it through.  If nothing else, though, it was a learning experience and it opened my eyes to the truth of relationships.  I was enthralled with the idea of one and wanted the unattainable, but when it came to building one, I was completely lost, filled with doubt and anxiety.

Needless to say, the dating app didn’t work out for me, and while part of me wished I had never tried it, I think it was a good experience and a way to show me that it’s ok not to have a significant other right now.  Plus it allowed me to learn that an app is not really the way I want to find someone.  I’d rather meet them in person.  My mom would tell me that the right person will come along when I least expect, when I stop looking and trying so hard.  But honestly mom, how do I know that? I don’t, but I suppose I’ll just have to wait and see.

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