My Awkward Experience

Last year, I was crushing hard on this guy and being the awkward person I am, it didn’t go so well.  Here is my entry of the whole escapade:

“Story of el chico:

So I probably started having a crush on him 2 years ago but at that point I wasn’t going to do anything about it, so I just ignored it.  In the fall, though, I decided I wanted to do something about it.  Shy and awkward me was however incapable of talking to him during one of the breaks we had during orchestra rehearsal each week, so over fall break I decided to write him a letter, which I probably put too much effort in and I wish I hadn’t colored the envelope, but it is what it is.  Anyway, week after fall break I arrived early, put the card on his stand, and ran away.  I talked on the phone with my high school friend before rehearsal because I was freaking out.  During break I booked it off stage and stayed with my friend group.  I wanted to give him time to think and probably also give myself time to calm down.

That Saturday there was a parent’s weekend concert at my college.  Nothing happened.  Next rehearsal I tried to stay on stage a little while to give him an opportunity to come talk to me, but still nothing happened.  On Saturday there was a parent’s weekend concert at another college.  If things worked out, I figured I’d go talk to him about the letter.  So after the concert, we had a bunch of time before the bus, so I packed up and was hanging with my fellow orchestra member.  By the time we were ready to go, there were very few people still back stage and el chico and his brother were still on stage talking to some kid, so I decided to wait for him.  I talked to him and we agreed to talk during rehearsal the next week.  Yay! Or so I thought.

Next rehearsal, I was a bundle of nerves.  The strings piece was first, so I and the other wind players came later and hung out in the audience until it was time for us to play.  Thus, as soon as break started, I turned to the other flute player and asked how she was doing because I wanted to be friendly and also partly because I wanted to run away from the anxiety-inducing situation of talking to el chico.  What I thought was going to be a quick exchange turned into a full blown conversation and we left the stage still talking.  Another friend joined our conversation and el chico at this point was talking to his own friend group.  At the end of break, I was upset, but I remained calm and told myself I would talk to him after rehearsal. We played Brahms last and right before we started rehearsing that piece, he left.  I reacted very poorly and had to hold myself together for the rest of rehearsal.  I left the auditorium and started crying.  The trombone player was nice enough to comfort me and my friend felt really bad for not helping earlier, but I needed to talk to someone who knew the whole story.  I went to my best friend’s room that night and after much deliberation with her and others I decided to send him an email.  He never responded.

The next week at rehearsal I planned to confront him about the email and find out what was going on.  He came in right before we started playing so I couldn’t talk to him before rehearsal.  At the start of break he went off stage right and I sat on stage cleaning my flute.  When I was done, I went to sign in and still el chico had not reappeared, so finally I decided to go off stage right and see if he was there.  He came out the back doors and we made eye contact, but he keep going and I was beyond confused, but determined to make something happen, so I asked if he wanted to talk.  He agreed, and I went off stage and waited while he went to sign in.  We had a nice conversation, but I was still throughly confused by the weirdness and awkwardness of our interaction.  After that rehearsal, I was just so confused and had no idea what to think.  Maybe he was just being nice and actually just wanted me to go away.  I decided, for my peace of mind, to straight up ask him at the next rehearsal.  Of course, that never happened.

That rehearsal, the dress rehearsal, I didn’t speak to him.  Afterwards, I figured it was best to just let it go.  It wasn’t meant to be, so I should stop stressing about it.  I figured he wasn’t interested and I should stop annoying him.  Well the next day was the fall concert and I was so happy about my makeup, my outfit, and the fact that so many of my friends and family were coming to support me.  After the concert, I was talking to the other flute player and el chico actually came up to me and said that my flute solo was beautiful! I was so happy and felt that was a sign to keep pushing.

I decided I should friend request him on facebook since I wasn’t actually going to see him until next year probably (I gathered he was going abroad in the spring since he said he wouldn’t be here for Brahms).  I hadn’t done this before because we had no mutual friends, but I rectified the situation and he accepted my friend request!   That Wednesday (day before Thanksgiving) he added a photo of him playing the cello at the concert and I liked it.  The following day, I posted a picture of our Thanksgiving meal and wrote about what I was grateful for.  He was the first person to like it.  On Friday, I messaged him asking about his thanksgiving break.  On Sunday, I posted a picture of what I had done of the PTX cross stitch (mainly Avi’s face) and he liked it and responded to my message.  (A funny story really – I had gotten up to go to the bathroom and when I came back, I checked the time – 11:45.  When I rolled over to go to sleep, my phone buzzed and lo and behold, it was him!)  Monday morning I responded, but he never got back to me…  He didn’t like any of my stuff since then.

So the Monday of finals week I went to the chamber music concert he performed in.  I didn’t get a chance to talk to him at the concert, since I had to catch the bus back to Bryn Mawr (and also I was too nervous to go up to him) but I did message him that night.  Tuesday night he responded and I was really surprised.  I messaged back and was hopeful, but I’ve gotten nothing.   I just don’t understand.  I mean, he can’t hate me or want me to go away if he accepted my friend request, but at the same time I don’t get why he’ll respond sometimes and then not.  I’m sure there’s a reason, I just don’t know what it is so I don’t know what to do.  Probably not much I can do, should probably move on… *sigh*”



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